If someone told me two months ago that I’d be where I am now, I would have told them to “shut their face.” Amazing how time can change things.
Being in Greenville was sadly one of the hardest times in my life. I had such high hopes for my experience in Greenville, but unfortunately it didn’t work out that way. I didn’t know anyone, I was at a store when a shooting occurred, my car was broken into in a violent way and I started to experience uncontrollable anxiety for the first time in my life. I felt like I was spinning round and round and no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop the ride. I quickly slid downhill, falling into a deep depression and questioning all of the decisions I’d ever made. It came to a point where it was no longer bearable. I needed help, and I needed to go back to Virginia for the support I needed. Simply put, I was the mess of all messes.
In May, I moved home and began seeing a doctor. I also started with a new therapist (which I’ve blogged about previously). Within about a month, the darkness started to lift. It wasn’t perfect, but I was more capable of dealing with everyday life. The anxiety was subsiding with the help of the occasional Xanax, which I hated relying on, but was my only source of comfort.
In early July, I felt myself really tearing out of the fog. It was like one day I was just racing away from the black hole that was trying to suck me in. And I was succeeding. I was no longer allowing it to pull me down into it’s onyx abyss.
It’s now the end of July and I feel almost like a new person. I’ve still got my issues, but I’m working on them. I’m more optimistic, motivated, clear minded and happy in general. I might be the happiest I’ve been in years actually.
Working out 5+ days a week has helped my anxiety so much that I no longer have to take Xanax. Except for if/when I fly. Then I’m a nervous wreck, so whatevs. I’m down 19 pounds in 5 weeks and I feel like I have the clarity I need to proceed with life.
I’ve spent years trying to find happiness. Running away from my life, hoping once I reached my next destination that the happiness would magically appear. Wrong. Happiness is a journey of self discovery, and until we’re genuinely happy with our authentic self, we won’t find happiness anywhere else.