Dear Asshole(s) Who Broke Into My Brand New Car,
Thank you so much for being selfish fuckers. Your mother must be incredibly proud!! What a winner you are!!
I hope the GPS system you stole from me leads you into the tar lake. That is, unless the tornado’s from last night didn’t suck your delinquent ass up and toss you into the Atlantic. I hope you hate all of the music on my ipod too. I made a playlist just for you. It’s called “You’re a douchebag and I hate you.”
Your best decision of the night has to be that your bashed in my drivers side window while it was monsooning. Thank you SO much for allowing the interior of my car to be vulnerable to the gushing rain and 50mph wind sheer. You helped wipe the awesome new car smell right out of my three month old car. How on earth did you know I was dying to get rid of everyone’s favorite scent? And with the water that is all over my dashboard, radio, console and steering wheel, the dusting and cleaning I needed to do is now taken care of for me! It’s so thoughtful of you to help me out with my cleaning!!
Good luck with your career in petty crime. Such an excellent career path you’ve chosen to follow. You embody so much ambition I can hardly stand it!! Oh, dream big thief! Dreams really can come true!