my mood has been up and down of late, and i don’t know why. i feel like now is the time to progress, and i’m actively taking steps towards my goals…but for some reason, it’s causing emotions i wasn’t aware of to surface.

it’s not scary…it’s just….different.

i’ve gotten seriously into working out and eating right. and by “eating right” i mean throwing away all of my boxed foods, frozen meals, etc…everything is fresh, fruits, veggies, etc…i have a heavy bag @ home, so i’ve totally taken to boxing, which i’ve fallen in love with. my hands are pissed because my knuckles are split open, but instead of letting it heal, i just make it worse everyday. whatever, i’m on a roll and i’m not going to let a few cuts stop me.

is it totally pathetic that a week after the grey’s season finale, i’m still thinking about it? i thought so. for those of you who aren’t into it, here is the gist of why i’m still thinking about it.

denny duquette represents everything i want in a guy. sure, it’s a character…he’s not real. i get that. but, what the character was, what he believed in, and his sincerity and vulnerability, while still maintaining his “guys guy” aura is what got me. geez, even shonda, the creator wrote about it…

“Look, I honestly have nothing to say for myself. No words in my own defense. Except I told you guys that the characters have to do what the characters have to do. I mean, I love Denny. Really love him. He was my “you jump, I jump” guy. He was my imaginary future husband. He was the guy I was dating in my head. HE WAS ALL I HAD. And now he’s dead. God, I feel so Izzie in this moment.” – Shonda

That pretty much says it all. It’s the IDEA of something. It’s not the actor, although Jeffrey Dean Morgan could stop by my place anytime…gawd, that accent. It’s not the scenario. It’s not the show. It’s the idea.

…I want that idea in my life.

As I have settled into Raleigh, the whole purpose of this move has pretty much realized itself. I moved here for ME. I moved here to find myself, figure out where I’m going, deal with where I’ve been, and to grow and progress as a person. Doing all of those things means I have to confront myself, which is what I’m starting to do.

It’s not easy…in fact, it’s a struggle…but, it’s something I knew would be difficult. Luckily, I have great friends who always listen, offer advice, and an ear to let me yell in…

I’m trying to find happiness, and I’m trying to find that “idea…”

wish me luck.


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